The recent addition of "speed humps" along 33rd Avenue has caused almost as much consternation on Joan De Arc Avenue as has talk of actually putting those irritating little barriers here on our beloved street itself. First, let us state the obvious. Speed bumps are a bothersome inconvenience. They are inherently unsightly. They can damage your vehicle if you do not negotiate them properly. However, the time has arrived in the evolution of our neighborhood when speed bumps have become the lesser of two evils. Speeding automobiles have become a disturbingly persistent feature of our residential haven, and the available practical solutions to the problem have dwindled like so much fossil fuel. Speed traps are certainly an effective deterrent, but the resources of the Phoenix Police are strained to the breaking point, and their regular assistance is no longer a realistic option. Voluntary compliance has proved to be a very unfunny joke. And of course the vigilante justice which has been recently attempted, by certain Avenue residents who shall remain nameless, resulted in a near tragedy. The safety and quiet of our neighborhood in general, and our street in particular, must remain the top priority of one and all. We say bring on the speed bumps. They are surely the lesser of two unpleasant alternatives.

Today we can all take pride in celebrating 225 years of freedom in this great land of ours. A time honored Independence Day tradition on Joan De Arc Avenue is the pursuit of an entertaining and spectacular fireworks spectacle viewed free of charge from the comfort and convenience of one's own backyard. Carl Bueker is thought to have initiated this practice back in 1965, as a typically economic alternative to actually taking his family to an admission charging local celebration for the 4th. With the demise of the Westown 4th of July festivities in the 80s, this quest has become more challenging, but far from futile. There are a number of relatively nearby shows that should provide a satisfying climax to your Independence Day party on Joan De Arc Avenue. As a public service to the residents of our street, The Crusader offers the following list of nearby fireworks shows that should be at least partially visible from the homestead, along with the times and directions in the sky in which one should peer. Enjoy a fabulous 4th!

All American Festival                         Glendale Hometown 4th of July Celebration             Chip and Ivan Noski's House
Peoria Sports Complex                        Glendale Community College                                       Backyard
16101 N. 83rd Avenue                         6000 W. Olive Avenue                                                  Corner of Willow and 31st Avenues
Fireworks after 9:00 P.M.                    Fireworks begin at 8:40 P.M.                                        Fireworks begin once Ivan gets drunk
Look to the west/northwest               Look to the west/southwest                                        Look out!

By God, who in the hell is going to fix my car now that I busted the goddamn suspension on those goddamn speed bumps along 33rd? I ought to shoot the bastard who came up with that brainstorm. Damn fools.

                                                                                                                             Name Withheld by Request

How come I never get invited to any social functions here on Joan De Arc Avenue? I have lived here for well over three years and nobody even waves at me. What's up with that? Do I smell funny or something? I have tried to be as friendly and neighborly as I can be, and I feel like I'm being deliberately shunned.

                                                                                                                             Lucifer McHelper

________________________________________________________________________________________________________JDA
We welcome your letters at jbcynic@aol.com.

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