The Joan De Arc

All the fits that's news to print
Founded AD 1967 / $5.00
Phoenix, Arizona / Wednesday, July 4, 2001
2001 by JPB Publishing Ltd.
On the INSIDE: Editorials A2 / Chuck's Corner A3 / Nostalgia A4 / Education, Entertainment A5
Avenue Weather: Partly cloudy with possible late afternoon showers. High 111 / Low 88
Happy Independence Day
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Rolling blackouts possible on Joan De Arc Avenue
APS asks residents to cut back on usage

(BP)- Residents of Joan De Arc Avenue may be facing rolling blackouts soon if power consumption in the area is not curbed to a significant degree, according to anonymous sources within Arizona Public Service, the local utility that provides electrical service to much of the northwest valley. A combination of record heat, low power reserves and the energy crisis in neighboring California may produce the first ever planned power outages in the history of the street. Governor Jane Hull made an allusion to such a possibility in a speech early last month, but of course was taken seriously by virtually no one. More ominous are the signals coming from APS in recent weeks. As the energy resources of companies like APS and the Salt River Project become more strained, the options for dealing with the crisis have the potential to become "thinner than the hair on a three dollar bill," according to a highly placed source in the state legislature.

    APS meanwhile is hotly denying rumors that it is promoting conservation amongst its customers for the expressed purpose of selling the excess juice to California at an inflated price. "Why can't you folks just trust us for a change?" wonders APS spokesperson Sparky Watts. "We're good people and we would never screw you over. No, really." Residents in general are reacting angrily to the blackout news, none less than long time resident and regular power tool user Bill Mitchell, who in a moment of uncharacteristic ire was quoted as saying "Those damned nitwits! They should all be lined up and bitch slapped." While the blame game is sure to be played out repeatedly in the weeks ahead, some residents on Joan De Arc are already taking measures to conserve electricity. For example, the quaint old structure known as a "clothesline" is making a marked comeback here on the Avenue, as is the long neglected "swamp cooler," a rather archaic device used in Phoenix for many years as a means of cooling homes and other structures through the process of evaporation. Still, the prospects for some sort of deliberately planned power outage seem to be growing. Residents are advised to use major appliances only in the morning and evening hours, and to adjust their thermostats to the highest tolerable temperature setting. And pray.

"Chuckie Hater Club" officially disbands
President calls it quits after 36 years

by J. Bueker
    After 36 plus years of officially sanctioned hostility, the adult Bueker children have announced the disbanding of the notorious "Chuckie Hater Club," an organization specifically designed to stigmatize the third of four Bueker kids, Charles Henry Bueker III. Formed in the summer of 1965, the Hater Club is thought to have emerged as retaliation for Chuckie's stubborn refusal to participate in the short lived "Johnny Hater Club." The brainchild of the eldest Bueker offspring, club President Susan (Bueker) Bielenda, the CHC was originally conceived as a temporary vehicle for sibling retribution, but soon evolved into a lasting all-purpose "scarlet letter" of shame. Charles was suddenly forbidden to engage in such cherished Bueker children activities as playing mindless board games, watching T.V. with his siblings in the "family room" and taking a dip in the lovely plastic and metal family swimming pool located in the garage. As president of the club, it was left to Bielenda to officially cease operations, but not before offering some rather wistful remarks. "We actually stopped hating Chuck a long time ago, but never got around to actually ending the club in an official manner," said Bielenda. "I'm glad it's over. But he got what he deserved, if you ask me. Never cross big sister. Ever." The Bueker family lived on Joan De Arc Avenue from 1963 through 1977.
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