The Joan De Arc
All the fits that’s news to print
Founded AD 1968 / $4.50
Phoenix, Arizona / Sunday, September 5, 1999 ã1999 by JPB Publishing Ltd.
On the INSIDE: Editorial Page ...........A2 / Chuck's Corner, Food Fun...........A3 / Horoscope, Sports.……..A4
Avenue Weather: Likely to be warm with possible late afternoon showers. High 100 / Low 78
Millennium Block Party Set for JDA Avenue
New Year's Eve Celebration Will "Take it to the Street for 2000"
By J. Beaver
(JP) The Joan De Arc Avenue 2000 Committee has announced plans for a festive block party on the evening of December 31, for the purpose of ringing in the new year and a new millennium. Joan De Arc residents past and present are all (with very few exceptions) invited to attend the New Year's Eve shindig, which will be hosted by Crusader publisher and long time JDA resident John Bueker. "What better way to enter the brave new world of the 21stcentury than to return to one's roots?" mused Bueker in a recent interview. "And besides, I've been offered all the liquor I can drink by the organizing committee." The exact schedule of activities remains to be worked out, but sources close to the committee have revealed that the ideas so far floated have included bobbing for apples in a large tub of Everclear, and going outside at midnight and screaming and yelling incoherently. The party will apparently sport the promotional slogan "Takin' it to the Street for 2000," an appellation that has drawn immediate and sustained criticism from Bueker: "I just can't believe how lame that is. Take THIS to the street, you morons. I could have defecated a better party slogan than that." Bueker was quietly removed from the JDAA 2000 committee last Thursday, but he still fully intends to host the gala event. When reached at his Peoria home, Bueker would only remark that a "honest difference of opinion exists" between himself and the committee, but that "this shouldn't be allowed to interfere with people getting drunk for free and having fun on the last day of the 1900's." Meanwhile, fiancee Susan Johnson has called upon Bueker to shun the party and take her "somewhere decent" instead. The JDA 2000 Committee estimates a crowd of upwards of 7 or 8 could ultimately attend what should be one of the biggest New Year's bashes in Joan De Arc history. The festivities are slated to begin at 9 P.M. sharp. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________JDA
Russell Party Set New Year's Eve Standard Back in '67
By J. Beaver
A tidal wave of New Year's Eve excitement and nostalgia has hit JDA Avenue this week with the announcement of a block party to be held on December 31 to celebrate the new year and new millennium. While of course many memorable end-of-year celebrations have been held on the Avenue over the years, one particular evening of festive New Year's Eve frivolity stands out over 30 years later. Merle "Red" Russell and wife Konnie played host to a New Year's Eve gala on the evening of December 31, 1967 that set an enduring Avenue standard for both controlled drinking endurance and endearingly bizarre behavior that has never really been matched or perhaps even approached in the decades which have since followed. The unqualified highlight of the evening was unquestionably the appearance of Carl and Barbara Bueker wearing homemade "pillow shirts," each one displaying the coat-of-arms of Barbara's mother's family line! You just had to be there. The hilarity and inspired tomfoolery of this fabled New Year's Eve stunt verged on the ethereal. Joining the Buekers and Russells at this once in a lifetime party were JDA residents Bill and Helen Mitchell, Whitey and Arlene Nelson, Jack and Jean Humphries, and Bill and Hazel Dickey. As usual, the entire concept of partying was completely lost on Barbara Bueker, who convinced a reluctant Carl Bueker to call it a early night and go home before midnight. Nevertheless, this particular New Year's Eve party on Joan De Arc Avenue still shines unsurpassed in its unique flavor and unerring sense of pointless fun.
On the INSIDE: Editorial Page ...........A2 / Food Fun, Chuck's Corner...........A3 / Horoscope, Sports..........A4
Visit the Crusader on the World Wide Web! Our address is http://members.aol.com/JBCynic/jdacrusader.html
Page A2 The Joan De Arc Crusader / Sunday, September 5, 1999
Thou Shalt Not Exploit Religion for Political Purposes
Many people in our society believe that the Ten Commandments in the Bible represent nothing less than the true and only God's definitive statements on morality and the absolute, immutable standards for human behavior. This is well and good. However, the government that rules over our particular society is explicitly prohibited from professing or advancing such beliefs by the 1stAmendment to our Constitution. The recent vote in the House of Representatives to allow public schools to post the Commandments, a specifically religious document, defies any rational explanation. No, only the unfortunate phenomenon of pandering politicians can possibly supply the reason for the emergence of this patently unconstitutional legislation. Even more sadly, this bill apparently represents Congress' pathetically inadequate response to the tragedy at Littleton, Colorado. This is bad enough. But to compound this insult to the public's intelligence by brusquely violating the separation of church and state is unconscionable. Those who choose to rail against the government's apparent bias against the establishment of their majority religious beliefs misunderstand the true spirit and meaning of the Bill of Rights-- it was devised not to protect majority opinions and rights, but those of the minority of citizens. Our representatives in Washington should simply not be catering to such self-righteous ignorance.
The True Meaning of Labor Day
What is the true meaning of the Labor Day holiday? Jerry Lewis and his telethon. Resting with the family before the start of school on Tuesday. Going to Encanto Park for a picnic. Getting a chance to watch some Wallace and Ladmo. Reading the Joan De Arc Crusader at an especially leisurely pace. Heading off to Ryan-Evans for a cool cherry phosphate. Quietly reflecting on the end of the summer season. Of course, all of these thoughts and more come to mind when we think about the unique holiday which we all observe tomorrow.
The cynics amongst might well argue that taking a day off to celebrate work is a strange, paradoxical concept which in practice serves only to add another holiday to the calendar which most people simply don't deserve in any case. The Crusader rejects these arguments. Since its inception in 1894, Labor Day has come to represent the inherent American right to both work and to take a break from work. We salute American workers on this day because of their instinctive sense for the importance of goofing off and taking it easy as much as possible. The truth is that many people simply work too damned hard. Life is short. Kick back for a while, and chill.
Page A3 The Joan De Arc Crusader / Sunday, September 5, 1999
Chuck’s Corner by C.H.Bueker
News From Around the Block and Around the World
My attention has recently been drawn to the sad fact that this just might be the final Chuck's Corner column of the 20thcentury. Yeah, I know, there's actually still a year plus remaining in the current century, which doesn't end officially until the year 2001. Still, the average Joe Schlub doesn't really know or care much about that. We get to start calling out our years with a 2 instead of a 1, and that's about all most folks will notice. Particularly those desperate enough to read Chuck's Column, for gosh sakes! Besides, we may not make it far into the 21stcentury, if you believe half of the Y2K theories in abundance throughout the news media. Frankly, if there's one thing I DON'T want to see make it into the 21stcentury, it's the news media! But, I digress…
At any rate, it does seem appropriate to share a few JDA New Year's Eve memories, in the hopes of rekindling those carefree, innocent times of youth. Oh, say the year I used that fake ID to buy the cheap bottle of whiskey with which Garrett Mason and I nearly killed ourselves. We'll get back to that in a moment. Those were simpler times, and New Year's was not the mandatory social event it has come to be. All too often, the holiday simply meant watching the celebrations in Times Square on a small, black and white television . The news media (remember them?) hadn't yet figured out that they could exploit the midnight countdown many times over by replaying it for every time zone (the filthy bastards!), so it actually made for an early evening out here in the Mountain time zone. I do seem to vaguely remember a party in the mid-60's that took place at the Russell's residence. I'm not clear on exactly what happened that night, but still existing photographs suggest a very lively celebration to say the least. However, the party was never to be repeated in that precise form.
What WAS something of an annual event was the Bueker-Mitchell Bridge Party. In keeping with the well-known Bueker tradition of making something out of nothing, there appeared some arbitrarily selected hunk of ugly, brown plastic pottery assigned to be the "Bueker Cup." The winning team was allowed to possess and cherish this Holy Grail for a full annum before placing it once again at risk the following December 31st. Lord Stanley had nothing on Carl Bueker.
I also recall quite vividly the year I prepared an onion dip for this party. Not having the traditional sour cream, I improvised by placing cottage cheese into a blender until the proper consistency was achieved. All right, the proper consistency was NEVER achieved, but it was close. Oddly enough, at the end of the evening there was more dip left over than was originally prepared. Given time, that dip could have fed a starving Third World nation-- another scientific breakthrough lost down the garbage disposal. We may never unlock the secrets that were lost that night.
And yes, it was also during one of these bridge parties that yours truly place that most memorable phone call… "Mom? I'm drunk. Can you come get me?" The whiskey had rendered Mason and Charlie so seriously impaired, that we at first tried to walk our bikes all the way back to my house. Halfway home, we decided we couldn't make it and so proceeded to walk them all the way back to Garrett's place. If I hadn't been so busy projectile vomiting, I likely would have enjoyed the ensuing conversation at the party. To say that Carl Bueker was unhappy with this embarrassing turn of events would be a serious understatement. Oh, the shame of it all! If the Mitchells didn't parlay THAT into a win, they didn't EVER deserve to win the Bueker's Cup!
Food Fun by J. Bueker
Helen Mitchell's New Year's Eve Strawberry Daiquiri Recipe
A traditional New Year's Eve drink on Joan De Arc Avenue is recommended in this recipe contributed by long time JDA resident Helen Mitchell. When asked to share this classic ice cold cocktail of yore with the Crusader, Helen asked "Why in the sweet Lord's name is he still writing that stupid newspaper?" We thank Helen for her kind remarks and for this delicious (and powerful!) recipe, one that is sure to brighten up your millennial activities and bring you a happy New Year under any and all conditions whatsoever. Have a merry millennium!
1 can of frozen limeade
1 can water
1 can rum
2 handfuls of strawberries
Use the emptied limeade can to measure the rum and the water. Place all the yummy ingredients in blender, mix for short time. The mix should be uniform in color and permeated with ice crystals. Serve in chilled, tall cocktail glasses and enjoy.
Page A4 The Joan De Arc Crusader / Sunday, September 5, 1999
Fabulously Frank Forecasts for the Year 2000
by Buekio, the Mystic One
Buekio senses both conflict and compassion, good and bad, day and night in the upcoming year. 2000 will be a time of change for the world. Many things will happen in the world next year, I am sure of that. It's exciting, isn't it? Here's how it all breaks down in the very stars at the turn of the millennium!…
ARIES (March 21-April 19): The results of your drug test at work will be less than favorable. Time to update the old resume.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Take care not to overestimate your own intellect. Rest assured that no one else does.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The great mystery of your life will finally be revealed to you this year-- but a new one will take its place. Whatever.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Y2K will wreak endless havoc on you and yours and that's no shit. And just hoarding bottled water ain't gonna cut it, either.
LEO (July 23-August 22): Your homeless in-law will sight a UFO and draw you into an expensive lawsuit. You will lose.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22): You will finally lose your virginity (of thought). A weight intensive object will fall upon your head. You will drool a lot.
LIBRA (September 23-October 22): Restrain yourself with respect to overindulgence with exotic sexual devices.
SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): Make a new start in a different direction. Any direction.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): You will be part of the next great sociological phenomenon: growing unemployment.
CAPRICORN (Decemeber 22-January 19): Social activities accelerate-- your boss at 7-11 will invite you to his barbecue.
AQUARIUS (January 20-Febuary 18): You win plaudits for not jumping through hoops. Either that, or for not getting looped. One or the other.
PISCES (Febuary 19-March 20): You will feel renewed in the year 2000, because your cycle this year will bring positive change, if only for a very brief time.
IF SEPTEMBER 5 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: You are a strikingly unremarkable person. Buekio has no interest in you or your future whatsoever. I am sorry, but I assure you that this is most certainly the case. Now please leave my presence. Go.
S P O R T S
........... VIEWPOINT ..........
Bueker's Picks for the 1999 NFL Season
Last fall, I wrote a column in which I thoroughly reamed the Arizona Cardinals, completely ridiculing their chances in the upcoming NFL wars. Astonishingly, the Cards proved me wrong, going to the playoffs and defeating the hated Dallas Cowboys before succumbing to the mighty Minnesota Vikes. But just let me put it this way: I believe that Tom Petty has a song that says in effect "even losers get lucky sometimes," and I strongly feel that this was the case with the 1998 Cardinals. Sorry Cards fans, but you can expect the team to fall to 5-11 this year, and miss the playoffs entirely. There is no other outcome conceivable for a team that makes the playoffs once every forty years. And Arizona has been so thoroughly awful in their pre-season contests this past month that I can make this call with completely uninhibited confidence. So, on that somber note of unrepentant pessimism, I humbly offer my picks for the upcoming 1999 NFL season:
AFC East: The New England Patriots should ride the arm of Drew Bledsoe to the division title with a record of 10-6. And what a pleasure it will be to watch Jimmy Johnson and Miami miss the playoffs at 8-8. The New York Jets will not repeat their surprising success of last year: also 8-8, tops.
AFC Central: Jacksonville and Pittsburgh will fight it out with the Jaguars taking the division title with an impressive 11-5 record. Figure the Steelers as a wild card entry, 9-7. The "new" Cleveland Browns will be less than impressive, even for an "expansion" team.
AFC West: Many "experts" are choosing the Kansas City Chiefs to take the AFC West, but I am unconvinced. Even without Elway, Denver looks formidable. Give the nod to the Broncos at 11-5. K.C. will be a factor as a wild card team.
NFC East: The weakest division in the NFL will be weaker than ever this year. The Eagles of Philadelphia will give the aforementioned Cardinals a solid fight for the cellar of the NFC East, but which club will actually stumble to the division title? Does anyone really care? Dallas and Washington will probably slug it out for the top, with the winner succumbing meekly in its first playoff contest.
NFC Central: The departure of Barry Sanders from my favorite team, the Detroit Lions, will only serve to transform a bad team into a terrible one. The bastard quit exactly one week after I purchased a block of tickets for the Detroit vs. Arizona game on November 14. Actually though, I can't say I blame Barry at all. Playing for the Lions can really be quite humiliating at times. Oh yeah-- the Vikings will win this division with an impressive 12-4 record.
NFC West: Not a real strong divisional lineup here, either. Carolina will edge out the Atlanta Falcons with a measly 10 and 6 record. Yawn. Zzzz.
Super Bowl Champs: Minnesota finally wins it all.
But the real question of course is this: who will suck worse this season, the Lions or the Cardinals? Well, it's an extraordinarily close call, isn't it? We'll find out in a couple months. Until then, it's all guesswork, folks. Should be very close. So, see you at Sun Devil in November.
Or not. Actually, whatever. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________JDA
Visit the Crusader on the World Wide Web! Our address is http://members.aol.com/JBCynic/jdacrusader.html