Page A3 The Joan De Arc Crusader / Friday, June 18, 2004

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FEATURE

Crime and punishment on Joan De Arc Avenue

by J. Bueker

    My father was past master at the art of the menacing glare. The combination of his grim countenance and open hand suspended threateningly aloft was a sure sign that a misbehaving child had seriously transgressed at 3219. Carl typically employed his technique while standing just outside the threshold of the bedroom of the offending offspring, then demanding that the young one hasten to his or her room without delay. This of course required passing through the dreaded "Daddy gauntlet," during which time a swift swat to the buttocks might or might not be delivered before entry to the room could be safely attained. This entire scenario of course was best avoided in the first place.

    Discipline on Joan De Arc Avenue was invariably swift and sure, though in the main fair. The beauty of Papa Bueker's approach was that actual physical punishment such as spanking was a relatively rare event. Simply put, the man successfully inculcated in us a very healthy fear of him and what he might do when moved to anger at our youthful escapades. The icy stare, thin lips and implied threat were almost always sufficient deterrent. Although his job routinely compelled Father to travel away from home for days at a time, these absences had little effect upon his children's overall behavioral patterns. Mother needed only remind us of his impending return to restore order and discipline in her occasionally turbulent household.

    Barb's approach to child control on the other hand will be forever associated with 1950s and '60s TV exercise guru Jack La Lanne. In 1959, La Lanne introduced his Glamour Stretcher, essentially a blue elastic rubber cord with looped handles that was designed to be used for a variety of stretching exercises.

    Finding the Stretcher to be somewhat inadequate as an exercise apparatus, Mother gradually perceived its potential as an effective means of delivering formidably stinging blows to young children without leaving the slightest of incriminating marks. By the time the Buekers were ensconced on Joan De Arc, the Stretcher was well established as the quintessential symbol of punishment in our home. Carl Bueker himself would become noticeably alarmed whenever his incensed wife began wielding her blue rubber cat o' nine-tails, probably owing to dear Mother's well known lack of hand-eye coordination. As always, however, the mere threat of punishment with the Stretcher usually sufficed to quell disobedience and deter mischievous misdeeds.

    The rescinding of a previously granted privilege was another quiver in the Bueker parental arsenal. A memorably bizarre instance of this approach occurred one autumn day in the mid-'60s as our family was preparing for a visit to the Arizona State Fair. Shortly before our scheduled departure, it was discovered that a favorite wooden bowl of Mother's had suddenly and inexplicably developed a noticeable crack. Our parents grimly examined the damaged vessel and soon came to the conclusion that it was a matter of the utmost seriousness, roughly of the same character as a premeditated murder. Each of us kids was taken aside in turn and thoroughly interrogated as to our knowledge of this chilling crime, and when no one came forward to proclaim their culpability for the vile atrocity, the family trip to the fair was abruptly cancelled. The suspicion lingers still that the whole "Cracked Bowl Affair" was expertly manipulated by Carl Bueker as a convenient means to elude the monetary expense of treating his family to a day at the lousy state fair.

    Father was also adept at exerting control through the use of pejorative slang words and phrases that he doubtlessly heard himself as a lad. Any noticeably perceptible instance of clumsiness on our part for instance was invariably greeted with a "You big ox!" Not a particularly helpful admonition, that. My personal favorite though was "horse face," in retrospect a wonderfully goofy term of endearment that nevertheless seemed blatantly unkind at the time. Dad also issued occasional threats of exotic punishments, such as "I'll box your ears." I am virtually certain that I never did endure a single ear boxing as a child, but the possibility was ever present, I suppose. It probably would have been an interesting experience, had dear old Dad ever actually been moved to such an extreme.

    Grounding an errant youngster was probably the simplest and most common punishment doled out at the Bueker home. Watching your playmates frolicking happily outdoors while being unable to join them was a genuinely painful experience, particularly when those same playmates were responsible for your very predicament. When Mr. and Mrs. Dickey had cement poured outside their new den in 1968, they encouraged  children Chris and Kim to write their names for posterity in the wet concrete. Unfortunately Chris, typical of his generous nature, invited my brother and myself along with several other kids on the street to add our names to the drying slab as well. Soon there were seven or eight names primitively scrawled therein, which understandably displeased Bill and Hazel Dickey to a significant extent. The next thing we knew, my brother and I were being sternly lectured and promptly grounded for the transgression. We were genuinely stunned at the injustice of it all. Had we not been invited by an official member of the Dickey family to do this thing? Ignorance of the law indeed.

    It should be noted in conclusion that the net result of these measures was that my siblings and I generally stayed out of significant trouble growing up, with of course the occasional exception of my sister Sue. The Westown-Surrey Heights neighborhood was replete with children who were allowed to run free at all hours of the day and night, a fact that I gradually grew to resent as I approached puberty. What great parents those lucky kids had! Why were our parents so damn restrictive, anyhow?

    Some things only become clear in the fullness of time.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________JDA

 

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