The Joan De Arc


All the fits that’s news to print

Founded AD 1968 / $7.50


Phoenix, Arizona / Saturday, January 1, 2000 / © 2000 by JPB Publishing Ltd.


On the INSIDE: Editorial Page ...A2 / Chuck's Corner, Sports ...A3 / Chess, Religion ...A4 / Astronomy...A5 / Classifieds …A6

Avenue Weather: A bit cloudy with possible late afternoon showers. High 65 / Low 34

New Millennium Dawns on Joan De Arc Avenue

Year Y2K Finally Arrives

By J. Beaver
(JP)- The sun rises today over a new millennium on Joan De Arc Avenue, as the year 2000 finally arrives amidst much anticipation, festivity and fanfare. The air swells with a feeling of new beginnings and endless possibilities for all of mankind, or at the very least for those of us who use the Gregorian calendar. Despite dire predictions of a Y2K catastrophe, most residents of the Avenue seem to have chosen to make little if any provisions for the possible crisis. Instead, the focus has been almost entirely upon the "when does the millennium actually begin?" debate. A slim consensus appears to exist for the view that 2000 is actually the final year of the 20th century, and therefore obviously not the beginning of the new millennium. A somewhat smaller but decidedly vocal bloc of residents seems to adhere to the "who really gives a damn?" school of thought on the question. Surprisingly few JDA residents are actually willing to say that the new millennium does indeed begin today. Whatever one's position on the issue, however, the excitement generated by the coming of the year 2000 is undeniable and utterly universal.

John Bueker Weds Peoria Social Worker

By J. Beaver
    Joan De Arc Crusader founder, publisher and CEO John P. Bueker has taken the marital plunge for a second time, recently wedding Peoria social worker Susan J. Johnson in a public ceremony in downtown Glendale on October 23. Bueker, who also works in his spare time as a high school English teacher, met the former Miss Johnson in the workplace about two years ago, and after a relatively brief courtship that apparently blossomed in cyberspace, the happy pair finally opted to make it official before God and man. Glendale Justice of the Peace Quentin Tolby presided over the ceremony, which was held across the street from the city courthouse and attended by about 30 people. No immediate plans existed for a honeymoon, although a trip to Jerome, Arizona is rumored to have taken place in November.


On the INSIDE: Editorial Page ...A2 / Chuck's Corner, Sports ...A3 / Chess, Religion ...A4 / Astronomy...A5 / Classifieds …A6

Visit the Crusader on the World Wide Web! Our address is

Page A2 The Joan De Arc Crusader / Saturday, January 1, 2000


A New Millennium of Possibilities

Yes, 2000 has finally arrived. The last year of the 20th century looms ahead, and one is struck by the possibilities that lie ahead, both good and bad. On the brighter side of the ledger, our country is wealthier than ever, although there are still a few homeless people here and there. Medical science is extending the human life span even as we speak, although come to think of it not much thought is given to the quality of life for the advanced aged. Or to those who lack medical insurance. Bill Clinton will finally be replaced as president, although he'll probably be replaced by someone whom we don't much like either. The amazing power of computers to revolutionize our lives will continue to increase exponentially, although it will also continue to erode what's left of our privacy. The world is becoming a smaller place all the time, which is nice, except that it does make things easier for terrorists. So things really do look pretty bright for humanity in the coming millennium, although…oh, never mind. Have a good one.

A New Year's Day Resolution

As the Joan De Arc Crusader steps forward into the new year and the new world of the 2000's, it would seem appropriate and perhaps even necessary to take stock and resolve to make things better in the world. This newspaper has received a barrage of criticism in recent years with regards to content, truthfulness, partisanship, and assorted plagiarisms and petty personal attacks. The Crusader has tried to keep these criticisms in the proper perspective and regard them as being both valid and constructive. We pride ourselves on our objectivity and journalistic integrity, but we are also open to change and we strive at all times for improvement and positive growth. We at the Crusader would like to take this opportunity to thank our loyal readers for their continuing support, and to pledge to listen more carefully to your criticism in the future. This is our solemn New Year's Day resolution. We look forward to being an integral part of the greatest millennium in the history of Joan De Arc Avenue. Happy new year, one and all!


I hope all you Clinton lovin' bastards out there are happy now. We've had seven long years of presidential slime and crime now, with more to come. That roll of toilet paper in the White House is the most corrupt politician of all time. He sold us out to the Red Chinese. Let's impeach his ass again, and make it stick this time.

God, I love to hate that son of a bitch.

J. Dogholler

With all the nasty letters you guys receive, I just wanted to put in a word of support. You losers rock, man.

Dean Ozone

(Bueker responds): Thank you, Dean. We do try.


We welcome your letters! Reply to the editor by e-mail at

Page A3 The Joan De Arc Crusader / Saturday, January 1, 2000

Chuck’s Corner by C.H.Bueker

News From Around the Block and Around the Worldã

Another Season for Sharing?

    Well, with Christmas finally over (by the time you read this, anyway), we now focus as always on the upcoming New Year's events. This year, that means Y2K worries, and as always the American public has decided to look at things with the sort of selfish self-centeredness that we seem to have in such abundance. "Oh! But what about MY food supply?!" you hear them lament. "And MY finances!" "What about the hoards of survivalists invading MY home? Do I have enough weapons to destroy all of MY neighbors?" "Will I soon have to be drinking MY own urine to live?" Mine, mine, MINE!!!

    Why is it that our concern for the less fortunate among us stops with Christmas all of a sudden? How about that poor homeless child who suddenly finds that he can't tuck that eight of clubs neatly under the virtual red nine? Or the mentally ill woman who cannot afford but a lower grade of mutual fund and then loses track of even that pitiful capital asset as her laptop PC freezes up on December 31? What about the derelict transient who buys a Palm Pilot, only to have it explode in his shopping cart, destroying all of his meager belongings? Christmas has now passed, so I guess some people are just plain out of luck. Who oh who will look after these poor lost souls?

    The next millennium will be just as full of needy people as this one has been. Just remember, folks, there is no "I" in Y2K.


NBA Championship: Colangelo and Suns Really Do Need To Win One

by J. Beaver and J. Bueker

    By any measure, Jerry Colangelo's Phoenix Suns have had a remarkably successful run here in the Valley of the Sun these last thirty-three years. Countless playoff appearances, two trips to the Championship Finals, MVPs, Hall-of Famers, you name it, baby. However these achievements nevertheless ring remarkably hollow. For despite all of the money (including taxpayers' money) that Uncle Jerry has poured into "your" Phoenix Suns, our local hoopster heroes have yet to come away with the big tortilla a single time. Never. Not once. I mean, my God. The Suns are by far the oldest team in the NBA that has never snagged a title. Seattle has won the title. Jesus, PORTLAND even won it once. So what is it in the Suns that perpetually insists on squandering golden playoff opportunities? What is it?

    Man, who could forget the magical spring of 1976, when a 41-41 Suns club came out of nowhere to beat the champion Warriors in the playoffs and go on to the finals with Boston? I still can't believe they lost that series. No I cannot, not to this very day. Then seventeen long years later, the 1993 Suns seemed absolutely destined to take it all. The best record in the league, MVP Charles Barkley, a constantly sold-out shiny new arena in which to play. But the unfortunate fact was that they still had to beat Michael and the Bulls. They didn't.

    The latest incarnation of the Suns is certainly a decent collection of players, but no one seriously thinks these guys are going to get back to the finals anytime soon, let alone win it. Danny Ainge's recent departure says it all. Forget all the warm and fuzzy talk about Ainge wanting to spend more time with his family. Things just weren't going real well. Jerry wanted Danny gone. It's that simple.

    Jerry Colangelo, quite apart from his incredible financial success as a sports mogul, is arguably the biggest loser in the history of the NBA. This is not a tragedy on the order of Hamlet or Macbeth, certainly. What remains clear, though, is that the only remedy is for the Suns to finally, to finally, win it all. Will any of us actually live to see this happen? Will anyone ever? Stay tuned, Suns fans. Yes, do stay tuned. Zzzz.

Chess Clinic by J. Bueker

    The game of chess has a long and colorful tradition on Joan De Arc Avenue. This writer learned from the best, 1960's Joan De Arc Avenue "World Champion" Carl Bueker. Dad taught me to play aggressively, to concentrate on strategy, and above all, to use cheap psychological tricks against my opponent. For example, the timeless "misdirection" technique, wherein Old Man Bueker would draw his hapless opponent's attention to some remote, irrelevant corner of the chessboard by feigning concern about his strategic position there, while covertly setting up his true line of attack elsewhere. When your opponent catches on to this technique, you simply change tactics and start pointing out the true areas on the board that you plan to attack.

    I believe that I beat dear old Dad just once at the game of chess, probably due to my emerging mastery of the very same tactic he had effected against yours truly for so many years. It was one of those genuine milestones in the father-son relationship. We were both momentarily stunned by my triumph, but then a father's pride in his son's achievement shone through. "You played that very nicely," said he. "Now get your big butt in bed, it's late." I never beat him again.

  This week's puzzle: White to play and win in 3 moves.


Page A4 The Joan De Arc Crusader / Saturday, January 1, 2000

A s t r o n o m y

Tonight's Sky by J. Beaver

    This evening's sky map features a view of the eastern sky at 6:00 P.M. Joan De Arc time tonight. The planets Jupiter and Saturn are prominent overhead, with the brighter Jupiter somewhat higher in the sky. The variable star Aldebaran has risen over the eastern horizon. Careful observers should also be able to spot Mars low in the western sky, with its dull, red glow. The moon is a waning crescent and will not rise until 3:55 A.M. Therefore, this should be a great night for observing the heavens without the interfering glare of moonlight. The wonderful winter constellations are here, and the weather is great for beholding the night sky. Happy gazing in the new millennium!

Astronomical Nostalgia: Stargazing on the Avenue

by J. Bueker

    Astronomy on Joan De Arc Avenue has a rich tradition dating back to the 1960's. Early residents on our street had a splendid view of the celestial sphere, thanks to the relative lack of city lights in the Phoenix area. Then on Christmas Day, 1967, a young John Bueker received his first reflector telescope and so began an astronomical odyssey of biblical proportions. Night after night for years thereafter, young Bueker scanned the heavens with his Sears telescope, even earning an A in astronomy in his 4th grade class at Sahuaro School, in spite of the fact that the subject was not even offered. Eventually, Bueker's enthusiasm for space science inspired other youngsters in the neighborhood to follow suit. Ricky Rose and Thom Neff were amongst those to join the nocturnal neighborhood party outside. With Bueker's departure from Joan De Arc Avenue in 1977, an era of local space exploration came to an end. Yet his spirit lives on here, with a new generation emerging to take its turn embracing the fun and rewarding science of celestial observation.


Page A6 The Joan De Arc Crusader / Saturday, January 1, 2000


Note: The Joan De Arc Crusader is not responsible in any way for the content of its classified advertisements.



For Sale: Collector's item! Vintage 1962 "Glamour Stretcher," rubber exercise stretch device. Great for beating the kids. $30.00 OBO. Call Barb at 602-942-0043.

For Sale: Tickets to Joan De Arc Ave. block party, cheap. Hank, 1-800-321-HANK

For Sale: Spanking Machine. Used only once, but for 35 consecutive years. Contact Chuck, c/o this publication.

For Sale: Choice grapefruit segments, frozen in 1965. From Carl Bueker's private reserve. Still delicious! Price available upon request. 623-486-2350.



1966 Rambler American automobile. Must be beige, well dented and have at least 150,000 miles. Strong sentimental value. Call Barbie at 480-969-3954.



Help Wanted: Groundskeeper needed to maintain unmarked grave sites in backyard. Must work cheap and be willing to participate in strange, ritualistic religious practices. Familiarity with animals a plus. Inquire at the Foster residence. EEO and a drug-free work environment.



Lost: Centauri model rocket, in the fields west of Surrey Heights in 1968. Black with numerous garish decals. Probably paved over years ago, but if found it's mine, do you hear me? Mine! Contact CHB c/o JDAC.

Lost: Bizarre and grotesque metallic sculpture of human corpse, goes by name of "Norman." If found, please contact Sue Bielenda c/o DVUSD.

Found: Antique Budweiser beer cans, found in attic of JDA home. Definite collector's item. Better hurry and call, before we drink 'em! 602-942-0034 after 12 A.M.


Visit the Crusader on the World Wide Web! Our address is